


Give You All My Demons

by fallloutangel (kiligreenleaf)



Series: I Need You To Stay [3]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Anxiety, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, M/M, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, mostly angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-07
Updated: 2015-09-14
Packaged: 2018-04-19 12:40:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4746809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiligreenleaf/pseuds/fallloutangel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil didn’t know what was wrong with him, he could usually hold himself together better than this. He could usually double knot all his broken strings back together. But apparently not today, today all his double knots had come undone and he felt like complete mess.</p><p>or the one where Phil has a really bad day and an even worse night.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. So Very Far From Fine

**Author's Note:**

> Please take note of the tags in case anything triggers you! <3

 

_"Believe me I'm fine, but I'm lying,_

_I'm so very far from fine_

_And I can feel the pull begin_

_Feel my conscience wearing thin_

_And my skin, it will start to break up and fall apart"_

_t _øp__

_~_

 

Usually his anxiety didn’t get the best of him, but today Phil could just _feel_ it sitting in the pit of his stomach, like a hand twisting his insides. He felt it from the moment he opened his eyes from his restless sleep that it was just going to be one of those days. The days where he felt like everything he did was going to result in someone screaming at him or him getting a black eye.

These used to be the days that Phil would usually go hibernate in his bedroom,  which now served as the guest room because he and Dan now shared, but in those days Dan was practically oblivious to his depressive, anxiety ridden days. Now he was extremely attentive to Phil’s emotions, examining his every mood, double checking just to make sure his smile wasn’t fake, telling him that he could tell him anything. _Oh, Dan. If only you knew_

But sometimes Phil just wished he could slip away into his bedroom again. Just act invisible for a day _without_ Dan coming to check up on him. This, of course, made Phil feel even worse because Dan was being so understanding and perfect, and Phil was just a broken mess.

The past month had been difficult for both of them, but just like how Dan would never admit that he felt burdened by Phil’s problems, Phil would never not feel like a burden. His panic attacks and flashbacks only happening what seemed like more often than before. He didn’t know what was wrong with him, he could usually hold himself together better than this. He could double knot all his broken strings back together. _Usually_.

But apparently not today, all his double knots had come undone and Phil felt like complete mess. He pulled away from Dan’s arms and stumbled into the bathroom, resisting the urge to vomit. He splashed some cold water on his face and tried to take a few breathes.

_It’s okay_ , he assured himself.   _He can’t hurt you anymore. You’re safe._

He had to pull himself together. _For Dan_. Because Dan had been so fucking understanding and he’d done nothing for him in return to repay him.

After a few more deep breaths, he left the bathroom even though he was still feeling a little shaky, deciding to go to the kitchen and make himself some coffee to compensate for the next few hours of sleep he was missing. He was getting a mug out of the cupboard, and jumped when a voice came out of no where behind him. “Phil, what are you doing up? It’s still quite early.”

Phil spun around, terrified, to only find a sleepy looking Dan - hobbit hair and all - standing in the doorway rubbing his eyes. “Dan, you scared the crap out of me!” Phil exclaimed, trying to push down his anxiety, which had flared up again with the scare.

Dan looked down guiltily. “Sorry,” he mumbled. “I thought you had heard me coming down the hall.” He rubbed the back of his neck and gave Phll an apologetic smile. “How are feeling? Are you okay?”

“Yeah, fine,” Phil lied, the words tasting bitter on his lips.

Dan still looked suspicious. “Are you sure you’re okay? Did you not sleep well-”

“I said I’m fine.” Phil snapped, his chest tightening and he couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed with the questioning. His hands started to shake slightly so he turned around back to his coffee. _Oh God, I’m so very far from fine._

Dan didn’t look even remotely convinced that Phil was “fine”, but he reluctantly left and gave Phil some space. Once Dan had exited, Phil abandoned his coffee on the counter and sunk to the floor, pulling his knees close to his chest, breathing a little harsher than before. _This is not going to be a good day_. He groaned into his knees, trying to do the breathing exercises he taught himself.  

_Pull yourself together, Lester._ He got up when he felt slightly under control. And by "under control" he actually meant not under control at all.

As predicted, the rest of the day went horribly. He stayed most of the day holed up in guest room on internet trying to avoid triggering material. When Dan made him a sandwich for lunch, he smiled, thanked him, then threw it away because even the thought of eating anything made him want to throw up.

Worst of all, he flinched away from Dan _twice_. Each time he could see the flash of hurt in his brown eyes and he always apologizes and every time Phil told him that “it’s not your fault”,but then added in his head _it’s all my fault, I’m the one who's all fucked up and broken, not you, you’re perfect. I’m the one that makes you feel like you’ve hurt me._

__

By the time the night came, Phil was an even bigger mess than he was in the morning and even more exhausted. He stopped in front of the door to their room, reluctant to enter because he knew how much of a cuddler Dan was when he slept. And right now the thought of anyone, even Dan, touching him made his stomach churn and skin crawl.

He decided to ignore the pain on Dan’s face when he told him that he’d be sleeping in the guest bedroom tonight.

~

_“I’m sorry! Please don’t-”_

__

_His head was suddenly slammed against the edge of the table, causing everything to go black, then blurry. His head was thick with pain, like it had been stuffed with cotton balls, and he can feel something wet dripping down the side of his face. He sluggishly tried to sit up, but it was quickly followed by a hard kick in the stomach which sent him sprawling to the ground again on his back, crying out in pain._

__

_Suddenly there’s a heavy weight on top of him, crushing the air out of his lungs. “Please!” he begged as he struggled helplessly underneath, hands pushing against the other’s chest._

__

_“No, stop-” His head snapped to the side as another blow hit the side of his face. Pain burned throughout his body and his heart pounded harshly in his chest, but his movements were sluggish and weak._

__

_(get away get away get away)_

__

_His wrists are then pinned above his head held down by one large hand, slowly crushing the bones in his thin wrists. He could smell the alcohol practically dripping off the others breath and he felt the hand that was free slipping under his shirt and steadily creeping up his chest. A hot breath panted against his ear and it slurred, “Oh, come on, Philly. You know you like it.”_

__

_Phil frantically shook his head and struggled even more against the tight grip on his wrists, whimpering as terror courses through his veins._

__

_(you can’t you can’t you can’t)_

__

_Then even more hands are on him and he’s screaming in terror, writhing under-_

__

“Phil, _please_! Wake up-”

With a scream Phil jolted awake. A thick fog of fear clouded his mind and his skin was screaming _dirty broken used filthy_. His chest felt like it was about to cave in on itself as the feeling of suffocation overcame him. He could feel the pounding against his skin and he could hear _his_ voice hissing in his ears _you’re mine mine mine mine._

He flinched violently away from the hands that came out no where, grabbing at his shoulders. A sob ripped out of his throat, “Don’t touch me!” He tried to get away from the looming figure by scrambling backwards but his legs tangled in something. _no no get away get away get away_

__

_(you can’t)_

Panic coursed through his veins like a poison and he lashed out blindly, but his wrists got caught by two strong hands and suddenly a face was inches from his own.

“Phil! You need to calm down!”

Phil stared into the face expecting to see two sickening green eyes staring back, but they were… brown?

“Phil, it’s me, it’s Dan. You’re safe here, remember? You’re okay…it was just a nightmare! You’re safe, you’re perfectly safe.”

_Dan_. Dan was here. He wasn’t back in his own personal hell, he was with Dan. He was _safe_.

“Phil, love, I need you to copy my breathing, okay?”

Phil could feel his body attempt to follow Dan’s instructions as he took in several shuddering breaths, chest heaving.

“That’s it… in and out. In and out.”

Phil repeated the words in his head as Dan said them out loud, and his lungs struggled to follow the instructions. He subconsciously felt the grip on his wrists loosen and a hand come and brush away the tears streaming down his face. Phil still flinched from the contact, so Dan retracted repeatedly hushing him. “Shhh, it’s okay, it was just a dream…”

_only a dream…_

“That’s it, Phil, in and out, you’ll be okay just breathe with me.”

After what felt like hours of Dan’s encouragement, Phil’s head began to clear as his heartbeat started to slow and then he’s clinging onto Dan, sobbing into his shoulder.

He clung other man, shaking as the remainder of the  ~~memory~~ nightmare faded into the darkness. Warm arms wrapped around him and rubbed his back soothingly.

“You want to talk about it?” Dan whispered in his ear.

Phil didn’t lift his head from Dan’s shoulder as he shook it, his whole body shuddered even at the thought. The memory was still too raw in his torn up mind to even be able to get a word out, let alone know where to start.

Dan only nodded and kissed the side of Phil’s head.

 **  
** No, he didn’t want to talk about it, his body was exhausted and he honestly felt like shit. But for now being in Dan’s arms was enough.


	2. Held Together By Your Nightmares

Dan woke the next day feeling a warm body pressed against his. He cracked his eyelids open to see Phil curled against his side with his head resting on his chest. Sunlight peeked through the binds and illuminated his pale skin and sharp cheekbones. Dan brought a hand to his forehead and brushed aside the black fringe that was in the smaller man’s face.

Dan couldn’t help but smile when Phil moved away from his hand, mumbling something incoherent, and nuzzled his face even deeper into Dan’s side.

_If only it was always like this._

Dan drew back his touch and rested his arm around the sleeping figure beside him. He stared down at Phil and noticed his eyes were still slightly red rimmed from all the crying last night and couldn’t stop his brain from conjuring images last night in his head.

Having been unable to fall asleep without Phil’s warm body next to him, he had been laying wide awake in their bed. He had just begun to doze off when first heard a muffled noise. Thinking he was just imagining things and unable to determine what it was, he rolled over, closing his eyes again. Then he heard it again, and his body turned to ice when he recognized Phil’s pained cry. Dan was so quick to the guest room it was like he had teleported. He burst through the door, fear intensifying when he saw Phil shaking under the sheets, thrashing from side to side.

The rest was a blur. Terrified blue eyes. Broken sobs. Panic. _Fear_. All too similar to the night Dan discovered the secrets kept surrounded by broken glass.

Phil was like those shards of glass, beautiful, but broken. Put under too much pressure and it’ll break even more.

Dan couldn’t help, but think that he was the extra pressure. _He_ was breaking Phil more. Maybe Phil wasn’t ready for a relationship. Maybe this was too much for him. But no matter how much he knew that Phil was probably better off without him, there was no way in hell he could ever leave. Not when he had promised to stay.

Movement under Dan’s arm brought him back to the present as sleepy blue eyes looked up at him.

“Hey, Sleeping Beauty.” Dan said softly.

Phil rolled his eyes at the endearment, replying, “Then does that make you my Prince Charming?”

Dan grinned cheekily at him “Only if you say so, love.”

“Well, you do always seem to come to my rescue,” Phil paused for a moment and looked away, familiar exhaustion starting to creep around the edges of his smile. “Thank you for what you did last night. Did I wake you up? I’m sorry if I did…”

“Hey,” Dan sat up. “I’ll always be here for when you need me, okay? _Always_. I don’t do it expecting anything in return, and it’s not some obligation, Phil. I’m here because you’re my best friend and I love you.”

Phil actively avoided his eyes by staring down at the sheets, so Dan lifted his chin and stared into his eyes.

“You got that, Phil? You’re stuck with me.”

Phil gave him a watery smile, and hastily brushed away the tears from his eyes. “Yeah, I got it.”

Dan smiled. “Good. Now I don’t want to hear anymore of this ‘I’m sorry’ bullshit. We’re in this together.” He patted Phil on the shoulder and started to get up. “Now come on, let's go get some breakfast. Maybe watch some anime, yeah?”

Phil nodded and followed Dan down the hall to the kitchen. Dan couldn’t help but notice how tired Phil still looked, but he figured that it was an improvement from yesterday. “Why don’t you go put something on?” Dan suggested. “I’ll make some breakfast and join you in a minute.”

Phil nodded, looking like he didn’t even have the energy to argue, and walked off, leaving Dan by himself in the kitchen. He quickly made them both some toast and coffee.

He stopped in the doorway of the living room when he saw was Phil staring at the wall blankly, mind far away,  instead of watching what was playing on the television. He made a noise with his throat and Phil jumped a little, coming back to earth.

“Dan,” He gave a little nervous laugh- “I didn’t see you there.” Dan felt a pang in his chest when Phil attempted a smile, which would have been convincing if his eyes didn’t look so dead.

Dan sighed and he sat down next to Phil, setting the food on the table. He turned to face him, ignoring the noise from the television. “Phil, listen I know it’s been hard, but-” he considered his next words carefully. “I just hate to see you so… sad! And I really think that it would help if you let some it out.”

Phil stared at his hands, shifting uncomfortably. “Dan, I…”

“It doesn’t have to be me!” Dan hastily continued. “I don’t want to force you into doing or saying anything that you don’t want to do.” Dan ran his fingers through his hair. “But I think that talking about it would really help. I just know that if you keep bottling all this stuff up, you’ll explode… and I think maybe that’s what happened last night...”

Tension radiated from Phil’s body, and he closed his eyes taking a few breaths. Dan thought for sure he was going to just refuse to say anything and just sit there in silence, but then he croaked, “Dan, I would, but-” he quickly blinked back some tears. “I-I just wouldn’t know where to start.”

Dan lifted Phil’s head and looked him in the eyes. “Hey, it’s okay. Tell me nothing, tell me everything, start for the beginning, middle, end, I don’t care!” He grabbed his hand supportively. “I just want to help you. There’s no right way to do this.”

Phil stared at him, uncertainty shining in his eyes, and it looked like his brain was having a war with itself. He hesitantly nodded, finally whispering to himself “Okay.” He continued to repeat it a few times as if it would convince himself more as he rearranged himself so his body was facing Dan’s.

Dan still held tightly onto his hands as Phil searched for words. He looked like he was about to start when suddenly he jerked his hands  and covered his face, crying, “I’m sorry, Dan! I can’t I can’t-”

“Shhh, Phil it’s okay, it’s okay!” Dan hurriedly consoled. “No one’s making you do anything, alright?” He hesitated, not knowing if Phil would welcome his touch, and carefully pulled Phil into a hug.

Dan’s stomach twisted helplessly when Phil only started crying harder. “I just want to tell you so badly!” he cried into Dan’s shoulders. “I just can’t seem to find the words, or know what to say, and I don’t want you to know how weak and pathetic I was-”

“Hey!” Dan pulled away sharply. “Don’t you _ever_ say that about yourself again!” He looked at Phil, deadly serious. “Phil, you are the strongest person I know. I would never think that you’re weak. _Ever_.”

Dan could tell that Phil didn’t believe him, but he also didn’t say anything to refute him. He just stared at the ground, defeated. An idea started forming in Dan’s mind. He suggested, “Would it be easier, maybe… if I asked you questions?” Phil looked slightly confused so Dan elaborated. “So you could focus on one thing at a time instead of being overwhelmed with everything all at once.”

“Um, yeah… maybe that could work.” Phil said, nodding thoughtfully and wiping away the tears.

“Okay… let's start simple, I guess, “ Dan said nervously. “What’s his name?”

Phil took a deep breath, steeling himself. “Derek.”

Dan nodded. “How long were you two together?”

Closing his eyes, Phil whispered, “Around two years.”

Dan sucked in a sharp breath, trying not to imagine the what Phil had been through during that time. He pushed those thoughts away and continued asking Phil his questions. Phil in turn kept up his short answers, keeping his face blank and his eyes emotionless.

“Was he abusive the whole time?”

“A majority.”

“How did you meet?”

“Through a mutual friend.”

Dan decided to stick with the simple questions, a part of him told him that it was to not overwhelm Phil, when really a part of him just didn’t want to know the horror stories and the nitty gritty details. But eventually he ran out of surface questions and found himself asking, “Was your nightmare last night about him?”

Phil froze. “Yes,” he answered, voice struggling to stay steady.

“Do you want to tell me about that?” Dan prompted gently.

Phil stared at his hands for a long time before unsteadily saying, “We had been together for a little over a year now. We had kinda hit a rough patch when his dad died. He started having problems at work and he treated me even worse than usual. Before it was mostly just yelling or insults, a hit here and there, but then…” His choked off, swallowing and taking a few breathes. “It just got so much worse, and I don’t what I did wrong or why…”

He held a hand to his mouth to stifle a sob. “That night, he came home drunk and… I don’t know, he just… snapped. He had had a bad day and and he just started yelling at me about how I didn’t deserve him and that I had cheated on him, but Dan, I didn’t cheat! I swear I didn’t-”

“Phil! I know, I know!” Dan soothed. “I believe you, I know you would never do anything like that.” He wiped away some of tears off Phil’s face. “You’re doing so well, love. Just take some deep breaths, that’s it...”

Phil calmed himself down and gave Dan a small, shaky smile, thanking him. He cleared his throat, continuing, “He just got so angry and started beating me, worse than ever before. I remember being pushed down and slamming my head against the side off the table. I tried to get away, but then he was on top of me and he-” Phil broke off with a sob, crying into his hands.

Dan felt his blood run cold and a sickening feeling settled in his stomach. _No please not this anything but this._

“Phil, did he...” He felt like a rock had been lodged inside his throat. “Did he force himself on you?”

Phil sobbed harder and nodded.

“Oh God, _Phil_.” Dan immediately pulled him to his chest, wrapping around him tight, trying to hold together his broken pieces.

“You’ll be okay,” Dan whispered. _Please be okay._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's kinda a sad ending I know, but at least Phil opened up a bit! I hoped you all enjoyed the conclusion to part 3 of this series. But stay tuned, because there's more to come! However I am in school now so updates will be less often.
> 
> The chapter title is taken from The Pantaloon by twenty one pilots, but this chapter was also inspired by their song, Oh Ms Believer, which was on repeat while writing this. 
> 
> Please leave a comment telling me what you thought, and I'd also really appreciate prompts/ideas of what you want to see happen in this series. :3

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome back to the continuation of this series! I hoped you all liked that this chapter was from Phil's POV, it was interesting to write.
> 
> As you probably already noticed, this work is going to be two parts long, so make sure to subscribe to know when it comes out! (And if you want some more juicy details on Phil's past I suggest you do hint hint wink wink) I'm about half way done with part two right now, so it should be out soon. 
> 
> This chapter was largely inspired by Fall Away by twenty one pilots (chapter title and the lyrics at the beginning) and Arms by Christina Perri, which were both on repeat while I was writing this. And once again the title of the work is from Run And Go by twenty one pilots. 
> 
> Tell me what you thought of it in the comments! Reviews, feedback, ideas/prompts for the series, I'd love to hear it! Thanks for reading and hope you enjoyed this chapter! :)


End file.
